


being blue is better than being over it

by bpddennis



Category: It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia
Genre: Angst, Fighting, M/M, lottsa fighting
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-10-29
Updated: 2017-10-29
Packaged: 2019-01-25 21:20:10
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,331
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12541464
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/bpddennis/pseuds/bpddennis
Summary: dennis comes home.





	being blue is better than being over it

the first day mac wakes up, fully aware that dennis no longer resides in philadelphia, something in his chest burns.

he's got so many questions. he so badly wants to hate dennis, wants to never think about him again. he wants to wipe away anything dennis ever touched and simply exist as if dennis never had. 

but when mac wakes up in an empty apartment, the smell of coffee absent, there's no where else he would rather be than in north dakota.  
he fucks around on his phone, clicks on the messaging app, and contemplates if any of this is even worth it.

mac doesn't end up contacting dennis. 

he imagines what would happen though, he imagines confessing everything he's been too scared to say. he imagines cussing dennis out, imagines telling him to go to hell. mac spends his morning in bed imagining everything he could never say to dennis. 

and maybe, miles and miles and miles away, dennis could be imagining the same scenarios. 

it makes mac want to throw up. 

 

the first week of dennis being absent, mac starts to really feel it. like, it's starting to fuck up his daily routine. he's starting to panic every time he sees dennis' toothbrush abandoned on the sink countertop. and it sends him into a spiraling fit, wondering what else dennis left. does he have his license, his wallet? did he bring that favorite light blue button up of his? does he have his meds, does he know he needs to eat three meals a day?

at the bar, he fights the urge to crack open two beers instead of just one for him.  
he hates that dee drives them around now. he misses the range rover, misses that dennis and him would argue on the music every single morning.  
he misses dennis subtly touching his arm when mac would rest it on the middle console.  
misses dennis yelling at him to put his feet down, that his disgusting boots were unworthy of dennis' car interior. 

 

he hovers over a text conversation with dennis - the last two messages show, two days before he left.  
dennis: are you on your way home? [12:55am]  
mac: on the way [1:03am]

mac fights the urge to ask dennis if he's on his way home, too.

 

the first month of dennis being away, mac starts to breathe in fresh air. he and charlie do a lot together now, and it's fun. charlie doesn't put him down, charlie laughs at his dumb jokes. charlie shares his chips with him whenever he has them. charlie lets mac pick the movies. sometime the two will even invite dee over and it's calm. dennis isn't yelling about how shitty the actors are, and how he could execute the roll so much better.  
it's quiet.  
and it nearly bothers mac. it's too quiet.  
because while dennis was a hurricane, a fucking apocalypse in the gang, everything is too still without him.  
there's no conflict, no counter argument and it's too odd for mac's liking. 

and while charlie and dee let him pick the movie, and tell him they can actually see improvement in his muscles on a good day, they aren't even close to filling the hole of dennis. 

because charlie and dee don't accompany him when sleep is distant. they don't make him coffee in the morning - a hint of french vanilla. they don't absentmindedly run their fingers up and down mac's back when a movie's on and it's boring. and they just don't get him like dennis did.

so it's been a month. and it's manageable. until mac asks what they wanna watch one night and they reply with, "i don't care."  
and dennis always cared. 

 

a half a year goes by without the presence of dennis. mac wonders if it's normal to still feel so hollow, to feel so empty and hopeless. it feels pathetic.  
a half a year goes by and mac finally texts dennis, a day when it's been raining nonstop in philly. 

mac: is it raining over there? [3:09pm]  
dennis: no. [10:11pm]

mac gets blackout drunk after the message comes through. 

 

almost a year goes by. mac wonders when time will stop taunting him. he goes on a few dates here and there and none are able to grab him. he goes home alone every single night. mac thinks it's a good idea to clear out the apartment. he buys a lock. he collects everything dennis chose to left. he puts it all in an unused closet. he locks it. he locks in the idea of dennis coming back. he locks in everything they could have been. he locks in dennis' laugh, and those stupid striped sweaters, and locks in the way he looks when he wakes up in the morning. 

he locks up whatever pieces of his heart still beat, and he promises that'll be the end of that.

-

 

"what would you do if i told you dennis was sitting on a bar stool right now?" dee barges into the back office and nearly squeals at mac.  
mac, not looking up, replies, "i'd tell you to find better jokes." he's doing god knows what on the computer, resting his chin on one hand, not paying attention to dee.  
"well, first of all, i have great jokes, and second of all, he's seriously out there right now, dickhead." dee crosses her arms and tilts her head at mac. he shifts his eyes over, barely moving.  
"what?" everything that exists inside mac's body goes off like fireworks.

"yeah. i don't know when he got here. i walked in and there he was. what the hell is that about?"  
"well, what did you say to him?" mac stands up.  
"i don't know, i offered him a beer!"  
mac's eyes widen. "what the hell is he doing here? it's been what, over a year?" he brings his hand to his mouth and bites anxiously at a hangnail. "tell him i died."

"what? i'm not gonna tell him you died!" dee shrieks.  
"god damn it, why don't we have a secret back door exit in this place?" mac throws his hands in the air, and starts to examine the walls of the back office, as if there might be some sort of door.  
"why don't you just go talk to him? he looks miserable." dee adds.  
"good, he should look miserable. do i look good?" mac asks, voice higher than usual.  
"you look like an asshole."  
"but do i look better than he does?"  
dee sighs. "fine. sure. listen, i don't care. can you guys go make up so the awkwardness in there goes away? it's makin' me really uncomfortable."  
mac rolls his eyes and puts his head in his hands momentarily. "fine, fine, i'll go talk to him."

"thank you." dee replies, almost sounding sincere. 

mac and dee open the door and there dennis is, in all his glory, perched on a bar stool, playing around with an empty beer bottle. he looks up.

mac strides past him, and exits the bar. 

 

-

a little bit after mac gets back to the apartment to calm down, the door opens up again. dennis appears, looking pissed off, nothing new. 

mac's on the couch, head in his hands, and looks up the second the door slams shut.

"hey, asshole." dennis snaps. 

"how kind of you to visit." mac responds, fake excitement painting his face. 

"did you not think maybe i wanted to talk at the bar, or, did you lose more brain cells since i left?" dennis hasn't gotten any less intimidating. when he's mad, he's fucking mad. and mac can't lie, that's always been a quality of dennis that's scared him; even when they were teenagers. 

mac stands up. "look, i'm not going to have a conversation with you where you treat me like an emotional punching bag. is that why you're back? 'cause mandy couldn't handle your tantrums?" 

something in dennis' eyes flicker. mac thinks he might get strangled in his own apartment tonight. 

"you're pathetic. it's been a year and you can't have a conversation with me? you have to run from all your god damn problems like you've done since we were 16. is that it, mac?" dennis steps closer to him, and god, it's fucking terrifying. it's scary what mac would let dennis do to him. it's scary that mac would just let dennis kill him, would let him wrap his hands around his neck and end it all there. 

"you've never been a fucking man, you've always been a coward. you've always let your feelings come before your fucking brain." dennis is nearly shouting, it's like mac awoke some sort of devil in him. mac is at a loss for words. he doesn't comprehend why dennis is so mad, when he left everybody. he wanted to run from the biggest problem in his life; attachment, vulnerability, closeness. so that's what mac brings back.

"are you kidding me, dude? you fled to another state! you're the pathetic one, you have no fucking clue how to handle your emotions.if something's hard, you just choose to leave it. because you're scared, dennis, you're fucking scared just like all of us." it's maybe the fastest mac has ever talked in his life, and he feels his heart rattling against his heaving ribs. 

dennis is maybe a foot away from mac at this point, eyes dark, face contorted in all kinds of anger.  
but he doesn't say anything, so mac keeps shouting.

"you don't give a fuck about charlie, or dee, or frank, or the bar. you don't give a fuck about me, you don't - you just left for a fucking year! you didn't call, or text, or check in. you always check in! how the fuck am i pathetic when you can't even call me to check in? you - you ruined everything and ditched us all for your own personal reasons. and i fucking hated it. i hated every single second of it, and i - i hate you. i fucking hate you dennis." he feels everything collapsing inside him. he end of his rant finishes sounding choked up, weak, scared. "i fucking hate...god damn it." mac heaves, looking away from dennis he feels himself breaking.  
he feels everything ending. 

"did you ever think for one god damn second why i left?" dennis yells back. "nobody wants to acknowledge that i might have feelings, but i fucking do, okay, asshole? you were saying all this garbage about being a couple and it scared me and i left, god damn it! and you didn't fucking call. you didn't fucking care either -"

"you were the one that left, you fucking son of a bitch!" mac cuts him off. they're both so red in the face and heated and mac honestly think one of them might die. or both. 

"i left because i - nevermind. this is pointless. i don't have to explain shit to you." dennis snaps back, turning for the door.  
"no, you know what, dennis, tell me. enlighten me." mac demands, grabbing dennis' shoulder and forcing him away from the door. 

"no, it's stupid, and this whole conversation is stupid." dennis nearly snarls at mac. 

"do not fucking run from this like you did a year ago. i'm not gonna let you." mac at some point moved his hand from dennis' shoulder to a firm grip around his wrist. being this close to dennis lets mac take him in. his hair's longer than mac has ever seen it, curls rambunctious and obnoxious. his complexion isn't as pale as mac remembers, but maybe mac was just assuming dennis wouldn't be taking care of himself in north dakota.  
he looks pretty good, even his eyes aren't as sunken in as usual. he looks well rested, young. he looks everything except happy. 

dennis fixates his glance on mac's firm grasp on his wrist, and then looks back up at mac. he looks calmer. he doesn't look terrifying, and his facial expression has softened.

"why not? you let it happen a year ago." dennis exhales softly, and looks at the ground.  
"i - i didn't want to. i just - i figured that's what you wanted." mac replies. it's like they're in grade school, exchanging secrets in the dark. 

dennis looks up and lets out an emotionless laugh. tears rim his eyes. "i wanted none of it." he shakes his head and avoids looking directly at mac.

"i missed you. a lot." mac sheepishly adds. he notices he still has a death grip around dennis' wrist. he's scared to let go, like dennis might bolt out of the apartment for another year if he does.

something in dennis breaks, and a subtle tear slides down his left cheek. mac fights the urge to wipe it away, but removes his hand from dennis' wrist. he moves his hands to dennis' neck, to cup gently. dennis places his hands over mac's wrists, refusing to look up.  
"i -i missed you too, and stuff." dennis chokes out.  
and mac courageously captures dennis' lips and draws his head up. mac kisses dennis and it feels like the first breath of fresh air he's gotten all year. dennis kisses back, frantically placing his hands anywhere and everywhere on mac. 

mac and dennis collide against the front door of the apartment. and they take in everything they've been missing for a year. mac remembers every single reason he ever put up with dennis. he counts each time dennis releases a heavenly moan against mac's mouth. 

"you're a fucking asshole." mac breathes against dennis' lips.  
"i know."

mac pulls himself off of dennis, missing his warmth immediately. dennis still holds onto the fabric of mac's t-shirt. 

"you left because you were scared of this happening." not a question. mac knows.

"well, yeah." dennis admits, angrily wiping the tears off his face, tears he finds so annoying and pathetic. 

"are you still scared?" mac asks, almost hesitant. 

"no."

**Author's Note:**

> hope u enjoyed xoxo


End file.
